SCAREDY CAT

Friday night's screening went well. What conspired afterwards is blogworthy. So a bunch of us went to the Golden Gopher for post-screening drinks and revelry. An hour or so into it, a classmate of mine comes over to where I was standing, Bud in hand, lollygagging w/ Leebs, Innes et al. Let's call her the POLE. The POLE grabs me by the arm and tells me she wants to introduce me to a friend of hers, a really cute gal sitting w/ her friends over on the other side of the bar. I was like no no, I just wanna hang w/ my friends, POLE, I'm not good at meeting new persons in loud bars especially if it's one of those "hey, this is my friend Alex, he likes French movies, you do too don't you?" situations, POLE, I'm a fucking superb listener but, to be honest, not tonight, POLE, come on, POLE, I'm a pussy I suck, POLE, etc. etc. But she's a dear friend so I walk. All I could think about as I followed her to the other end of the bar was I'm a student w/ little time to commit to someone else so what's the point. But as the approach neared, I caught a good look at the gaggle of ladies and they seemed like nice folk so I felt less pressure to put on a show. They see us coming and I see that they see us coming which is really awkward b/c it makes everything so painfully obvious. Anyway, POLE tells me to sit on what I perceive to be nothing more than a cushioned footstool, next to the girl she wants to introduce me to. To make matters even more awkward is that I trip over the fucking thing and have to make a self-deprecating crack, something like "whoa, who's had one too many?" (topped off w/ a shiteater's grin and two thumbs pointed at my nips), self-deprecating cracks which of course signal one's humiliation and are generally terrible and not very funny. But whatever, I sit and the POLE squeezes her ass onto the edge of the cushion and leans over and introduces me to her friends, in particular the single one, whom we'll call TEXAS for now. I introduce myself to them and to TEXAS and we start talking. The banter's really good and TEXAS's friendly and very attractive and I feel at ease talking to her, but I couldn't get over one thing: TEXAS is a good 5 years older than me. Knowing this kills. You can say all you want about how legit dating up an age-bracket is these days, but I couldn't get over it. I'm a lowly student, TEXAS's got a career; I have no decorations on the wall, TEXAS lives in Beverly Hills; TEXAS wears make-up well, most girls my age don't at all; I love talking about shit, literally, TEXAS'd probably find it immature and rightly so; I still look like a teenager, TEXAS is all woman, etc. etc. If it just came down to having a good time, I think I'd be fine dating someone 5 years older than me, but after doing all these calculations in my head, I believe she'd think me too young for her, that what we'd want from each other wouldn't be in sync, that my immediate future is something she'd already lived through and done with and that her immediate future is one I don't want to contemplate till much further along on the timeline. I'd be up for dating and going to nice restaurants and getting dressed up and buying things for TEXAS (from Barneys which she told me she doesn't go to which made me feel a little better about our age diff), but that probably wouldn't be enough. I know I'm making some wicked assumptions, but I can't help it. In any case, I sat across from her for a good 45 minutes before Leebs and Innes came over and I walked with them outside. I didn't get her number or email but I should've despite all that was rushing through my head as we chatted. If only A) I were older, B) she were younger, C) I wasn't such a scaredy cat.

Now, I can't stop thinking about her and how my neuroses got in the way of opportunity. TEXAS TEXAS TEXAS! I talked about her incessantly to my buddy Jason---who's dating some 9 years his senior---over the past two days at Mammoth where a few of us went to ski and relax and grow sore. He gave some choice advice which I mostly agreed with the most resourceful and obvious one being that I have nothing to lose. Can't let age get in the way of life right? I mean, 5 years is nothing right? Then again, when she was 5, I was naught. Whatever she's really attractive and it'd be nice to hang with some more people outside of the CU/USC world.

But I fucked up at the bar by not getting her info. What am I going to do? I think I need someone to kick me in the balls.

LOVE
ALEX